Absurd Indian Thoughts & Implementations

With nothing happening in the world to blog about as such (There is a lot happening actually, but like the gossip-stricken Indian media, I’m more concerned about a spat on a reality TV show, Shahrukh Khan appearing in an item song and Kareena Kapoor inaugurating a jewellery store), I decided to hop back in time to pluck out some of India’s most embarrassing ideas and their even more delirious implementations.

Regional pride and the “Sons of the soil” concept are numero uno in the list. In what is an absolutely baseless, senseless, hopeless, half-mental and three fourth-detrimental school of thought, Raj Thackeray and the MNS have outdone all other embarrassing Indian ideas to actually create a North-South divide that is anti-constitutional, anti-national and all the other anti’s you could pick out from your understanding. God only knows what Thackeray had in mind when he decided to undertake some “noble work” for his “fellow populace”. Unleashed on the roads were wild Marathis who sabotaged “non-local” cab drivers, ruined their hard work and proceeded to showcase the un-Indian paranoia that has gripped them with a demonic clasp.

There was a ghastly, mind-boggling, common sense-defying suggestion not too long ago in the Times of India editorial stressing on why cricket players from different countries should play for another country. The article tried to convince me and other astounded folk of the country who read the same that how exciting it would be to watch Brett Lee put on an India jersey and represent cricket’s most passionately supported team. How exciting, indeed. Our lack of sports intelligence clearly shows as we are willing to go to such extents to ensure maximum entertainment. Entertainment, I said. Not passion and love for a sport. This one wasn’t implemented. I guess, not even considered.

Another appalling Indian idea was the government’s decision to remove hockey and football from India’s list of “sporting priorities”. One is India’s national sport. The other is the world’s most followed sport. To the embarrassment of the federation, the players of both sports produced outstanding Cup tournaments which followed this horrendous decision. The men with the sticks won the Asia Cup after producing a goal fest (57 goals were scored by India. Only 5 were conceded) and an authoritarian display to run amok. The footballers won India’s first trophy, the Nehru Cup, since the LG Cup in 2002.

Some more absurd ideas and their implementations will follow soon. Till then, let’s hope reality and the Indian government don’t throw up new ones.

Mannequins at work

There would be numerous instances of how prime time TV comprising the baas, the saases, the bahus and four to five of their following generations (and counting), the privilege of which is beyond the understanding of any human being, affects the bona fide baas, saases and bahus of our world.

Firstly, I’ve seen people hold up their hands in incredulous agony when a protagonist in the soap is killed off, albeit temporarily of course. Screeches of “Nahiiiiiii” from the various make-up dolls surrounding the dead corpse on screen and the terror unleashed on people on this side of the TV set make the hackneyed dialogue “Main lut gayi, barbaad ho gayi” sound refreshingly new. This junk is then followed up with ear drum-traumatizing musiiiiiiiiiic (The relay is as distorted and disturbing as the word “music” written in this format and can give rock star-cum-nasal connoisseur Himesh Reshammiya a run for his money.) and split-second snapshots of bewildered support cast in a sequence generated by no particular algorithm.

Later on, our fellow humans scamper for the post-commercial break previews shown at the onset of the break. These will again have sense-flouting tit bits of the horror to follow soon. These commercial breaks see the instigation of two significant events – the mute button being pressed on the remote control and anxious housewives dashing out of their drawing rooms to check on whether the food being cooked for work-exhausted husbands hasn’t scalded, yet still more bothered about the upcoming progression of events on their TV screens.

Finally, as the display of life-defying torment comes to an end, you have a set of events which will generate a massive amount of curiosity and trigger phone calls, nation-altering debates and an assurance to the soap producers that we are firmly seated on the bandwagon and looking forward more than ever to next day’s histrionics.

Life is normal again. Well, at least till tomorrow.

Sons of the Godforsaken soil

Even as young Indian bowler Ishant Sharma tries to vindicate national pride over regionism (I don’t think this word exists. But we may have just invented it), the parochial nature of us Indians will never cease. Sharma’s fearless (Many of us will again have a different view on his actions. I heard one guy tell another guy “Look at Ishant overdoing it. One of these days, Symonds is going to beat this kid up.” Our first thought as usual is that the white-skinned are magically more powerful, blessed with brute force gifted from the Gods above that is just beyond our scope. They say we bowed down to them till August 17, 1947. But I’d say that somehow somewhere we still do so.) show of aggression is welcome, actually. The ICC chose to focus on the youngster and fine him 15% of his match fees. But if it inspired many of us one billion citizens to stand up to our adversaries, then it is a minor loss.

So, the Aussies still haven’t got used to the cricket world waking up to sledging. It’s true that such displays should be within the limits. But the Aussies never let anyone define the limits. On infinite occasions, the world champions have used their vice-like grip on cricket to win at all costs. The hitch here is that they have dropped bits of respect and sporting spirit along the way, terms that don’t mean much to them you’d reckon. Most of it was lost on that one fateful day in Sydney not long ago.

Coming to regionism, the Tamil Nadu government wants Tamil to become a compulsory language in the state. The difference between compulsory and official here is that non-Tamilians residing in the southern state would be expected to learn it. So what are the reasons for another ludicrous show of 2008’s Absurd Indian Thoughts & Implementations(a post on this soon)? Why is the Supreme Court’s time being wasted in such thoughtless anti-national blow-ups instead of imparting justice in pending court trials? It has been predicted in the past that regional parties could spark a lot of unrest in the national makeup. That means it could get worse than it already is.

Cometh the hour, it is us and us only who make the choice to pursue our own regional interests for the development of our “people” or ensure that national interest prevails above all. Again, for the development of our “people”.

Notice the word “people” in the sentences above. There is no difference. Are we forgetting that?

Of teenage moms, mob fury and SRK vs. Darsheel

It’s a weird world. No wait, it just got weirder.

This “weird” piece on DNA India’s website reports about an Argentinean girl who is the mother of seven kids at the age of just, well yes, 16. She had given birth to a boy at the age of 14 and followed that up with two sets of triplets in consecutive years giving doctors something to brainstorm on.

I’d written about my feelings on mob justice in modern India in a previous post. And now we have a second case to reflect on. Two students in Hajipur, Bihar engaged in a fight over a mobile phone which turned ugly when one of them stabbed the other, dragged him onto the streets and was “assisted” in this self-endorsed act of justice by a mob. Our age-old habit of chickening out and turning into mere spectators came good once again. Not just the people, even the police.

If anything improves in the country with time, it is the degree of controversy generated by a syndrome of “we-hate-each-other-so-damn-much” actions complemented by an in-built urge to curb benevolence and go deaf and dumb at malevolence.

The war of words between actor Shahrukh Khan and Union Health minister Anbumani Ramadoss regarding the on-screen smoking controversy reached another level after the minister accused SRK of trying to limit the scope of the word “creative liberty”. Ramadoss directed praise at Aamir Khan and his once-in-many-lifetimes Taare Zameen Par, stating that creativity should be used to improve societal minds and not encourage habits that kill a million Indians every year.

Talking of SRK and Aamir, the country is braced up for a potential Filmfare awards “upset” when SRK takes on the more-deserving Darsheel Safary for the Best Actor accolade. SRK may have produced a decent effort in Chak De India, but no one can rule out the influence that Darsheel and Aamir have had on our lives since Taare Zameen Par and it would be great for him to snap up the honour.

Something right should happen once in a while to continue to keep hope alive. It is on a life-critical support system already.....

Mind-bogglers that you just can't answer.....

Here's a quiz you'd rather not take.

1) Why does Bollywood nobody Sajid Khan appear on Headlines Today's cricket special regarding the moolah set to be raked in by the Indian Premier League's pool of players?

2) Why did Ashutosh Gowarikar select pretty boy Hrithik Roshan for King Akbar's role in the film Akbar-Jodha?

3) Why are producers making films for Himesh Reshammiya? And more importantly, why are the names of his movies(Aap Ka Surroor, Karzz, A Love Iiisshtory) forcing us to stress our nasal capabilities, which he so expertises in?

4) Why has Shahrukh Khan's interest in sports upscaled suddenly? (Hint: The IPL will be watched by millions of people around the country. SRK has a movie coming up soon. Pick up the pieces.)

5) Why has so-godly regular-cleavage-popping damsel Mallika Sherawat been cast as a friend of Jesus Christ in an upcoming Hollywood movie?

6) Why have such things forced me to become so retarded?

Save Pakistan, Save Democracy

The fate of our dear neighbors hangs in the balance. Pakistan goes to polls tomorrow with the entire world set to keenly observe the elections unfold in the democracy-turned-autocracy of South-east Asia. Pakistan, as a nation, has failed to hold itself together ever since Pervez Musharraf pioneered that extraordinary coup towards the end of last century.

The same man has since gone on to establish himself as the supreme tyrant of the nation and democracy has been completely compromised. Terrorism has taken its toll, tensions have remained high and Musharraf remains the difference between their degeneration and regeneration as a nation. His resignation as Chief of Army Staff last year was by no means the end to problems in the country.

A BBC World Service Poll has claimed that most Pakistanis believe that the country could take a step towards restoring themselves if Musharraf resigned. Something that hasn’t happened yet, and looks rather unlikely. The civilian president of Pakistan continues to remain at the zenith.

Pakistan People’s Party leader Asif Ali Zardari, who has taken the party’s reins following the assassination of his wife Benazir Bhutto, has challenged Musharraf regarding the rigging of elections. Zardari has promised to take to the streets if the polls are rigged and has suggested that the nation could split.

From an Indian perspective, you wonder whether a split Pakistan would be trouble reduced or trouble doubled. Irrespective of whatever happens, the ideals of democracy are fading away.

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Cheating champions

Some things never change. Some lessons are never learnt. Some Australians never stop cheating.

Another dubious catch. Another pitiable umpiring decision. Another immoral Aussie win.

Yes, it was an eventful day at the WACA in Perth. Firstly, Adam Gilchrist’s farewell at his home ground couldn’t have been scripted better. The guy deserves to be honored as the greatest wicketkeeper-batsman to have ever played the game. He will be missed of course. A final spectacle was what his home crowd sought and that is exactly what he gave them. What we witnessed was an extravaganza of runs from Gilly that accounted for half of the Aussies’ total against the Sri Lankans. And in reality, was the reason for their win.

The Lankans in reply exploded onto the scene, but you wonder whether that was the need of the hour. When you have 6 players on your team whose batting averages don’t even touch the 20-run mark, then you shouldn’t seek a run-rate of 6-plus when chasing 236. Even if you have three of the world’s best lining up for you.

They were eventually tamed, despite Kumar Sangakarra’s valiant effort. But could things have been different had Andrew Symonds shown some long-lost cricketing spirit? Unfortunately, we’ll never know.

To sign off, here’s an excerpt from The Australian describing Symonds’ catch:-
“
Andrew Symonds lit up the WACA with the most wonderful diving catch to get rid of Chamara Silva for a duck.
The world's best fieldsman threw himself horizontally to his left at ground level to snaffle a scorching cover drive in his left hand just centimetres from the ground.
“
So, how much does a centimeter measure?

Cheaters do win

Some things never change. Some lessons are never learnt. Some Australians never stop cheating.

Another dubious catch. Another pitiable umpiring decision. Another immoral Aussie win.

Yes, it was an eventful day at the WACA in Perth. Firstly, Adam Gilchrist’s farewell at his home ground couldn’t have been scripted better. The guy deserves to be honoured as the greatest wicket keeper-batsman to have ever played the game. He will be missed of course. A final spectacle was what his home crowd sought and that is exactly what he gave them. What we witnessed was an extravaganza of runs from Gilly that accounted for half of the Aussies’ total against the Sri Lankans. And in reality, was the reason for their win.

The Lankans in reply exploded onto the scene, but you wonder whether that was the need of the hour. When you have 6 players on your team whose batting averages don’t even touch the 20-run mark, then you shouldn’t seek a run-rate of 6-plus when chasing 236. Even if you have three of the world’s best lining up for you.

They were eventually tamed, despite Kumar Sangakarra’s valiant effort. But could things have been different had Andrew Symonds shown some long-lost cricketing spirit? Unfortunately, we’ll never know.

Here’s an excerpt from The Australian describing Symonds’ catch:-
“Andrew Symonds lit up the WACA with the most wonderful diving catch to get rid of Chamara Silva for a duck.

The world's best fieldsman threw himself horizontally to his left at ground level to snaffle a scorching cover drive in his left hand just centimetres from the ground.“

If you believe this and saw the catch yesterday, then I plead you to visit an eye optician as soon as possible. Run. Now.

A quiet Bollywood wedding

In what turned out to be a rather calamitous day for the cronies (read masala-obsessed Indian media) of one of the most fanatical terror networks WITHIN the country, Bollywood superstar and still-supposed-to-be-in-jail Sanjay Dutt wed his long-time girlfriend and ex-item girl Manyata in a quiet ceremony in Mumbai.

The infiltrators reached just in time to dig up some words from Dutt (who was visibly delighted after the successful attempt to keep them away from covering the marital rituals from 25 different camera angles) and version 3.0 of Mrs. Dutt. Sanju Baba gladly obliged with the post-marriage press conference and as usual, news of considerable importance vanished from the face of our TV sets and Munna mania ran wild, hogging up every inch of the screen space offered.

One of the channels called up his US-based daughter (from his previous marriage), another hunted down his ill fated sister (who wore a rather bewildered look when asked about her brother’s horseback ride towards a third spell of nuptials) and a third, which failed to catch hold of any of the above two, promised to run a special program later on, which would showcase how the two got together, what were the key factors that led to the path breaking decision and whether they were planning for kids.

Meanwhile, gear up for a showdown somewhere in the same city. The police have issued an arrest notice against Raj Thackeray, but are unquestionably perspiring bucket loads at the prospect of facing up to the soldiers of the India’s first anti-national regional army – the Maharashtra Navnirman Sena. Thackeray has already rejected the notice issued by them.

May God bestow the IPS officers with courage and shower Mr.Dutt with marital bliss (read “staying away from jail” ahead of “honeymoon in Paris”).....

The wonder Down Under

Teenage phenomenon Ishant Sharma's magical 4-wicket spell yesterday in the team's first MCG win in 22 years has left cricket experts spellbound, Indians all over the world excited and the Aussies rattled off their throne. As is the routine in sport, comparisons with yesteryear stars will now begin to encircle the young prodigy from Delhi and we hope and pray they dont affect him. The lanky young man looks more like a I-couldnt-care-less college stud, reminding you of Zayed Khan's Main Hoon Na look. But the difference between talent and trash is all too evident.

Eventually India won well, but not without the customary if-one-wicket-falls-many-follow jitters. At 102/5, you would have been forgiven if your thoughts strayed onto the likeliness of a defeat. But a very mature innings from Rohit Sharma, who would do well to stake a claim to fame in the post-Dravid Ganguly era, supported ably by skipper Mahendra Singh Dhoni saved India from a defeat which would have undone the hardwork of the seamers.

The bottomline is that the youth brigade has arrived. You dont "crush" Australia everyday, do you? The batting needs to be pepped up of course, as so far it falls way too short of the standards set by the galactic Super Six in the early years of this century. But it is a positive, encouraging start. The two Sharmas, in particular, are young, positive, bundling with alacrity and energy and looking to establish themselves in the national team. One of them is a North Indian. But I doubt whether they are out there attempting to salvage some regional pride.

One last note : Hats off to Stuart Clark for upholding the Aussie tradition of not accepting a cricket defeat. Mr. Clark, that rarity from the past is fast turning into the ubiquity of the present...

Join the Force.....

No, this isn't an advertisement campaign for the newly-formed Force India Formula 1 team. UB Group chairman Vijay Mallya is showcasing how Indian corporates can change the face of sports in the country with his 88-million euro acquisition of Spyker at the end of last season.

With Bollywood megastar Shah Rukh Khan advertising the brand and the team even managing to sign up one of F1's veteran racing drivers in Italian Giancarlo Fisichella, the concept of promoting a national team in F1 looks set to have initiated. The team have retained German driver Adrian Sutil from Spyker.

India has been making rapid strides in this genre of motor racing. Narain Karthikeyan raced for Jordan a couple of seasons back and New Delhi will host an F1 race come 2010. In the end of course, it is going to boil down to how well the team performs on the track. And more importantly, how it stands up to F1 giants like Ferrari & McClaren.

They say any progress is some progress afterall. Let's hope that the team has a fine start and Mallya's VJM01 (the name of the car) can set the track on fire.....

Forgetting the essentials.....

If racism, casteism, female foeticide, the rich-poor divide etc weren't enough, we are now faced with a whole new concept that is threatening to shake the pillars of democracy all by itself - Identity Politics.

The Raj Thackeray-led MNS' atrocious behaviour in support of it's anti-North Indian stance in the city of Mumbai led to a "rioting" of a different kind in India's commercial capital. And the party officials have dared the police to arrest their supposedly-heroic leader. A quality example of democracy's fallacies, eh?

In a country simmered with problems aplenty already, a select few are proposing a new era of political rivalry where the end result will most likely be a civil war. Instead of igniting hate against each other and trying to upset time-honoured establishments, why not shift focus to the infiltration in Kashmir. A popular TV channel has shown exclusive footage of POK-based militants getting across the borders in the war-torn northern state. So where do we go from here?

It's like what history has very often shown - choose what you want to do. We can either choose to disunite and fade away or stick together and fight the incoming evils. In a democracy everything depends on the people, the rule books say.

But if the people are more bothered about a Saif-Kareena wedding or two freaks embarassing youngsters and pelting them with abuse on a popular music channel, then the future of this rather useless age is out of our control. Useless, because an age has it's heroes and the ones we have to be content with are more interested in aggresively marketing their private ventures, killing innocent people off the road and sporting fake smiles.....

Of youth, "star" marriages and mob justice

The Indian cricket board's much-villified experiments with youth aren't looking appealing as of now. India's batting blow-up in the Twenty20 one-off and the first ODI of the tri-series against Australia makes the return of Sourav Ganguly and Rahul Dravid seem more likely come the series against South Africa. India's youngsters need time to develop their potential of course, but there is a system to be implemented when an old generation is to be phased out. The selectors have sent a bunch of kids Down Under hoping that a series defeat would be a hardening and mind-moulding experience. Did I just say defeat?

Talking of star marriages, we'd say that this concept was taken to a new level when French president Nicholas Sarkozy married model Carla Bruni. You'd wonder what kind of coverage this would have got in India. But our mental mindset would ensure that such things don't happen in this generation at least.

One last point. Is mob justice becoming too much now? A seven-year old was brutalized after being tied to a pole and being stripped in a village in West Bengal. You'd have to say WTF with absolute outrage. In a democracy, the public probably assume a natural birthright to provide justice if a majority of opinions match. Who the hell says that a majority is always right? And in this case, one certain local of the village said that the kid was caught red-handed trying to open a motorcycle toolbox. Breathtaking, isn't it?