Shoddy Intimidation

A blogger Chyetanya Kunte has delivered an unconditional apology on his blog to NDTV and Barkha Dutt for criticizing their coverage of the Mumbai attacks and quoting Wikipedia on their role during the Kargil conflict.

However, just a glance at the post [Google Cache] should convince any right thinking individual that the blogger never intended to defame the said media house, but was merely giving an opinion. And how much does the opinion of a single individual even matter to such a revered corporate entity? In truth, not much. Blogs have a lesser reach, inarguably.

In fact, that is what makes this case even more outrageous. To silence a person who is plainly excercising his fundamental right and offering views of what he felt during the time is unconstitutional. What use is the Constitution if the flag bearers of one of the enlisted rights do not respect opinion - praise, criticism alike - driven at them?

Read others: Retributions, Vimoh's Open Letter to NDTV, Shripriya, Prem Panicker, DesiPundit

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All-India Institute of Perverts

About Us
Founded in Mangalore, the All-India Institute of Perverts is a pioneer in promoting the erosion of all morals from within the human brain, and specializes in debauchery. The AIIP has been known to produce world-class debauchees who are well versed in being radical sensualists and masterful hooligans.

Aspirants for a seat in the AIIP require the following basic qualifications-
1) Age – No limits
2) Sex – Male (Females are allowed, on the criteria that they will have to be experts in wrestling against their own sex)
3) Know how to say Jai Sri Ram and Girls are like my sisters and make them appear completely genuine
4) Be fundamentalist
5) Detest Valentine’s Day (and hence detest red heart-shaped balloons, greeting cards and Archie’s Gallery)
6) At least 1 year experience in destruction of furniture and pub/club hoardings.

- Masters in Moral Policing
- Masters in Moral Policing (Extra subjects: HOW TO 1) Slap a woman, 2) Tangle her hair in an attempt to make her bald, 3) Hold a woman by her head with both hands and fling her hard onto the ground)

Apply Fast. Limited Seats. And don’t forget to bring along a saffron robe.

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Just another Day

Ah! There it is. A day off from work. A day on which one can sleep away into the afternoon. Aday for multiplexes to cash in on Friday openings of Raaz 2, irrespective of how good/bad the movie is. A day on which Bollywood actresses appear one by one dressed up as sati savitris on various channels wishing viewers a happy day and also reminding them to keep watching that particular channel.

A day for youngsters to head out to picnic spots with their yaaron ki barat. A day on which TV channels, including Zoom TV, can embolden their logos with the colours saffron, white and green. A day on which city-based newspapers overflow with advertisements flashing special discounts and rush-in-before-it’s-over offers.

A day on which wearing a kurta is a little smarter than wearing a My-Dad-is-my-ATM T-shirt for men and wearing a salwaar kameez is more pleasing than wearing a What-are-you-staring-at? top for women. A day for “kewl” hunks to romance “kyuut” chicks behind trees and bushes in gardens. A day on which you can say “Valentine’s Day is coming”. A day on which wives can pester their husbands with “Aaj chhutti hai. Bacchon ko bahar khana hai.” and get an “Ok, baba” in return.

A day on which patriotic songs are played by FM radio stations, at least for a few hours. A day on which special offers are available at restaurants, decorated with tricoloured balloons and waiters dressed in traditional clothing. A day on which the Indian tricolor, the Rs. 2 one that street children sell, is found in the skies at dawn and on the streets at dusk.

At the same time, it is a day on which India became a Republic. A day on which the Constitution was adopted by the people a couple of years after independence. A day on which the idea of India, and the power, is demonstrated with grace and honor in New Delhi. A day on which the national anthem is sung with a tranquil mind. A day on which the tricolor should be saluted, and then stored and kept away safely. A day on which the Indian cricket team WINNING matters more than any other ordinary match day. A day on which the finger just doesn’t move towards the remote to change a channel playing an India-themed movie. A day on which everything pales into insignificance. Or at least, everything SHOULD pale into insignificance.

Happy 60th Republic Day.

Stay proud.

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Awards acceptance speech

[Mike check 1...2...3]

[Clears throat...]


Thank you, dear bloggers. Thank you for showing faith in my dementia to consider me intellectual and lovely enough to be rewarded. I humbly accept whatever has been conferred upon me, with the deepest gratitude for one and all.

First of all, I'd like to thank Blogger.com for hosting me.

Secondly, I'd like to thank my clothes for bearing the real me, my shoes for walking me and food for feeding me.

Thirdly, I'd like to thank my family, friends, hot female admirers, Trailblazer-tattooed-on-their-back models, cool kids shouting their throats out over TCGH and me, exhaustive shoppers for official Trailblazer merchandise(including Trailblazer lipstick in 47 flavours honourably selected by BJP vice-president Mukhtar Abbas Naqvi and Trailblazer condoms in...err...a few flavours selected specifically by Mallika Sherawat and Rakhi Sawant).

Fourthly, I'd like to thank my well-wishers, deep well-wishers, well-wishers trying to force me into a deep well and other well-wishers from across the border.

Fifth, I'd like to thank ex-President George Bush, Lalu Yadav, Mayawatiji/Behenji, Arundhati Roy, General Kayani, related state/non-state organizations and the gun-trotting folks from Muridke.

And finally I thank all those working effortlessly to convert India into a Hindu Rashtra or an Islamic Mulak. I hope your labour meets its right ends.

Thank you for your love.

(In response to Catwampusme, Smitha, Kiran and AmreekanDesi's felicitations.)

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Thoughts on Slumdog Millionaire

Slumdog Millionare. Ah!

Talk of tinsel town, Mumbai’s dirty underbelly, Winner of 4 Golden Globes, Oscar potential, Danny Boyle, Amitabh Bachchan. What else? Yes, dirty shit, ugly trash, child prostitution, bogus orphanages, black money, anti-Muslim riots, organized crime, underworld, mafia, real India and a racist, abusive Kaun Banega Crorepati host to top it all! Mr. Boyle should have just blown the kid up in a terrorist strike to keep up to the film’s compulsive and streamlined portrayal of what India is and isn’t. It would have made for some climax.

My God, can any ordinary human being survive in India with this kind of exploitative, abusive, terrifying atrocities committed on its people day in and day out? Yuck, my respect for India is down in the dust and I have decided that I will pester any one willing to be pestered, to get me out of this hell. Starting with the passport office, of course. And then the embassy. And then finally off to a new country.

No. Wait. I’m right here. Sure there are problems but I seem to see a lot of people smiling around me, living a happy life with a blossoming family, enjoying with friends, working for a decent wager in the Third World. Sure I’m not a “slumdog” but even slum children will not be facing up to the over-hyped, over-the-top atrocities depicted in SM that only ONE single child faces. Escapist? No. Realistic? No. Realistic escapism? Hell yes.

Whenever a reality check is undertaken, then it is very wise to not lose track of the core concept of such a check - reality itself. Because depiction of in-your-face hard-nosed reality is one thing and blowing reality out of proportion to portray all the “evils” of India at one go is another. And Slumdog Millionaire has conveniently opted for the latter at the expense of the former and hence feeding on India’s magnified sorrows has given the movie Oh-my-God applause that it doesn’t really deserve.

Thank you Mr. Boyle. Next time, we expect better. Or at least a package that is nigh closer to reality than perennially escapist Bollywood. And Slumdog Millionaire.

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The joke will be on India...again

Anatomy of the Pakistani case for a joint anti-terror "mechanism"

To this question posed by a former dean of social sciences at the Quaid-i-Azam University in Pakistan, let us go back two years in history.

Why is the Indian government employing coercive diplomacy to achieve its objectives when it can easily sort out contentious issues through a joint investigation? The answer to this question is that a joint investigation, bilateral or multilateral, simply does not suit India [DTP-Anatomy of the Indian case]

In 2006, a joint anti-terror mechanism agreement was penned by Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and then Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf [Link]. The UPA government compromised on India's inarguable right to being long-term victims of terror by agreeing to such a farce, which Dr. Singh had then dubbed as a trial, since we are not going to war.

But the mechanism, which is almost similar to setting up a body of criminals in India to bring criminals themselves to justice, had failed in all restrospect. Not only was it doomed right from the time it was agreed upon, but Pakistan's promise that it would bring the perpetrators to justice was rebutted by the country at the first meet of the "mechanism". Instead, they audaciously argued that it was India's R&AW that was funding suspicious organizations in Pakistan.

And now, the writer dares to question India's commitment to eradication of terrorism from the region by bringing forward an altogether new reason to the argument. The joint "mechanism" is a complete farce that intends to throw back India's argument. In fact, this is all that is in Pakistan's convenience. No wonder, they offered to jointly investigate the Mumbai terror attacks.

And anyway, Pakistan's record of convicting terrorists is abysmal. No single terrorist attack launched from Pakistani soil has been properly scrutizined by the Pakistani government. No terrorists have been "brought to justice". No terrorists have been handed over. Can Pakistan present even one case of having successfully convicted the perpetrators of a major attack on Indian soil? I think not. And hence, a joint probe remains a futile concept.

The emergence of a few in-your-face truths continue to evade our leaders, pseudo-patriots and apologists for cross-border terrorism - Pakistan is NOT an ally of India in the war of terror. Pakistan has NO interest in a terror-free India. The ISI will not bring the ISI to justice. The "mechanism" is a farce. And we should never see sense in such nonsense.

Because the joke will be on us...again.

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It's time we took His advice

I WOULD risk violence a thousand times rather than risk the emasculation of a whole race. [The Mind of Mahatma Gandhi]

Would you support a war?

7 successful habits of Bollywood & its groupies

What began as a comment on Mutiny on a debate regarding Ghajini's effective market penetration in respect to its quality and content, has tempted me to make public my observations on Bollywood and its die-hard, ardent, baying-for-Bollywood-dissenters'-blood fans.

1) The majority of Bollywood is a fool's paradise
No Bollywood fan will admit this simply because Bollywood movies are way too convenient for the common man. Effortless 3-hour packages that give the brain a rest, Ah! Who wouldn't want that? Bollywood is a self-created, self-endorsed world of illusions, where talent eventually matters little(although there are exceptions of course) because the rust in most of our brains tells us that "My son/daughter has to be the next film star, SO let me promote him/her". Nepotism hence rules and although Bollywood families do have sons and daughters passing out of western universities, the majority of those with "acting in their blood" eventually end up with the duty of attending to the "legacy" of their father/mother/both. Few have succeeded successfully, nevertheless ALL co-exist in peace and harmony.

2) Bollywood has infested our minds. C'mon, admit it.
Scampering to download the latest mp3? Adrenaline rushing to watch a must-watch? Fear of ticketlessness haunting you and causing nightmares? Congratulations. You are officially diagnosed with Bollywoodosysis. Common symptoms of this disease include an irresistible urge to talk/gossip/glorify Bollywood during the majority of your day, discussions over latest movie releases, a craving "Why Friday isn't here yet?" whimper, calling Bollywood stars as bringers of change to society and not thinking twice before splashing Rs.250 out in a multiplex stuffed with make-up boxes imitating what they then go on to see on the silver screen. Fashion above common sense? Good Lord, save the world.

3) Bollywood wants peace with Pakistan
Read this piece [Link], of five years ago but relevant today, and you will find a Suniel Shetty giving you How can you not like Pakistan? look. Bollywood finds Pakistan to be a huge market and hence would relish peace, even if they are extremely parochial to ignore the fact that the cause of the turmoil between the two countries is not the Indian state, but the same market where Shah Rukh Khan photos from his Medusa-like hair days sell like hot cakes.

Bollywood celebrities have used WE in conjunction with "want peace" as if cross-border terrorism is a direct by-product of the Indian state's agenda. Bollywood and it's naive celebrities are irritatingly insensitive and I would appreciate their use of "I" before "We" when they want to make personal statements.

4) Bollywood is so smart, that even a flop has enough "fans" behind it to defend its idiocy and term itself a stroke of genius
Bollywood movies sell so brilliantly that even a flop concept finds backers simply because it convinces its viewers of the genius gone unnoticed by the majority. Flops also re-collect whatever was invested and in fact earn more than the capital initially financed.

If you dare to complain as to why such a movie was ever made, the horde of fans jumps on you calling you cynical and obnoxious and insensitive and you become an object of hate. Your senses are automatically termed dumb and lacking choice as you "dared" to complain against a movie and its honorable stars. How dare you!

5) Movie dekhi kya?
Such is the deep impact and penetration of Bollywood, that you are dubbed disinterested and lifeless simply because you do not have a knack for "hanging out at a cinema hall". Bollywood has taken cinema's priorities to embarrassingly low levels and created a masala mountain of a sada molehill. It is so deep in our fans that I can already sense the outrage at this piece. If you do not find it one bit sensible, kindly meet me at a multiplex. We'll "catch" the latest movie in town.

Bollywood groupies also try to promote films themselves so wonderfully. "You are missing something, you know" is what I've heard a zillion times from some of the most ardent Bollywood fans I know. Yes, like I missed brushing my teeth or taking a bath. Both of which leave me not worse than stinking filth.

6) Inflated prices, not just of tickets but even food items
Ever bought a popcorn for Rs. 5 at a cinema hall, ever drank an MRP-priced Pepsi at a multiplex? I don't think so. If you did, then you are extremely lucky that your friendly neighbourhood Multiplexman does not know his salesmanship too well. Prices of tickets and food items have not just touched the sky, but have blown well past it as if they were launched on a GSLV.

And boyfriends making up to girlfriends for having looked at a sexier girl, parents cajoling their children with weekly entertainment circuses(when museums and planetariums are such a wise option) or husbands making up to their wives for a lack of motivated life between the couple at sensitive places within their house are only going to fall for these prices. And fall flat, with a thud.

7) Yes, there is some hope
My larger opinion on Bollywood is what I've stated above. But I never see any fault in movies like Taare Zameen Par and Chak De India simply because of the natural spirit and the essence of cinema that they carry. The kind of cinema for which I would maybe not jump on tree tops like a monkey or practice dance steps of aggressively-promoted songs of that movie but earnestly look forward to watching. Unfortunately, these are few and far between. My other personal motivation is the distraction offered to me naturally at my age. Priyanka Chopra, Mallika Sherawat - darlings.

Bollywood, you are certainly not God. But you are as much a source of worship. If nothing else, at least to keep us perennially amused and entertained.

Even at the cost of our minds.

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The right rhetoric

This blog has criticized Prime Minister Manmohan Singh over the past. But there is a certain punch packed in his statements today that give official recognition to what is now the most serious threat to India - state-sponsored cross-border terrorism.

And the PM has done a laudable job by shoving this hidden truth onto the face of our neighbours, who are bordering on almost being psychotic about the entire farce of abnegation of 26/11 evidence handed over to them.

The PM said the November 26 Mumbai attacks were clearly carried out by the Pakistan-based outfit Lashkar-e-Taiba. He added the Mumbai attack must have had support from some official agencies in Pakistan.

“Given the sophistication and military precision of Mumbai attacks, some Pakistani official agencies must have supported them,” said the PM. [TOI]

Thank you for speaking for the one billion people of India, Prime Minister. The use of the word official is particularly commendable as he has risen above the opinions of petty anti-national elements not only around the country, but also in his own party to speak the widely-dismissed truth.

The PM's statements have already come as a rude blow to Pakistan. And rightly so.

Mahmud Ali Durrani, advisor to the Pakistan prime minister on national security, said he believed Singh's comments were "unfortunate".

Both countries should not enter into a "blame-game" and India should let Pakistan complete its investigations into the Mumbai attacks, Durrani told Dawn News channel. [TOI]

Complete the investigations? Better humour please.

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Happy New Year.

At least, the year ended on a good note.

RIP, Martyrs.