All-India Institute of Perverts

About Us
Founded in Mangalore, the All-India Institute of Perverts is a pioneer in promoting the erosion of all morals from within the human brain, and specializes in debauchery. The AIIP has been known to produce world-class debauchees who are well versed in being radical sensualists and masterful hooligans.

Admission
Aspirants for a seat in the AIIP require the following basic qualifications-
1) Age – No limits
2) Sex – Male (Females are allowed, on the criteria that they will have to be experts in wrestling against their own sex)
3) Know how to say Jai Sri Ram and Girls are like my sisters and make them appear completely genuine
4) Be fundamentalist
5) Detest Valentine’s Day (and hence detest red heart-shaped balloons, greeting cards and Archie’s Gallery)
6) At least 1 year experience in destruction of furniture and pub/club hoardings.

Courses
- Masters in Moral Policing
- Masters in Moral Policing (Extra subjects: HOW TO 1) Slap a woman, 2) Tangle her hair in an attempt to make her bald, 3) Hold a woman by her head with both hands and fling her hard onto the ground)

Apply Fast. Limited Seats. And don’t forget to bring along a saffron robe.







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How to survive a terrorist attack

A lost Aam Aadmi huffs and puffs across an unknown territory somewhere in the Land of Unprotected Civilians, chased by MP5-wielding terrorists and sinister demons armed with AK-47s. As Aam Aadmi looks around for help, he senses a glimmer of hope somewhere ahead that is shining bright. He speeds towards it.

Aam Aadmi thinks – “Oh wow! It’s President Bush – the world’s strongest man. He will help me.”

Pres Bush – “Haay! Who the hell are ya? What do you think you are doing, coming to me for security? Are you American?”

Aam Aadmi – “No, sir. But you could help me as the people threatening me might also target Americans.”

Pres Bush – “What! Who told you that I will help you? I am only concerned about the prime interests of my citizens and my country and my concept of world peace depends on that. Only if my people are threatened, I will help you. For now, all I can do is point you towards your dear Prime Minister.”


Aam Aadmi grudgingly moves ahead.

Ah! It’s the Prime Minister of India. He will save me for sure, Mr. Aadmi thinks.

PM – “See, Aam. I will give you not one, but two ways of helping yourself. But I cannot directly help you from my current position.”


Aam Aadmi – “But sir, you are the Prime Minister. You certainly can.”

PM – “Yes, but I myself am not secure. My dear rival for the PM’s post in the upcoming elections, Ms. Mayawati, has bullied me into giving her the maximum security and I stand helpless. Ms. Gandhi has been kind enough to provide me shelter in the office. So you either go to Mayawati or go to Bihar where a kind old man will help you. Or at least provide you with a train ticket to your home.”

Aam Aadmi, disappointingly, heads for the badlands of Uttar Pradesh.

The Queen of UP will help me from these dreaded terrorists, who are after my life for the past three decades, he thinks and calms himself down.

And before he could even utter a word...


UP CM – “GET OUT, Aam. I don’t help anyone. I only help myself. Don’t you know that? GET OUTTA HERE!!”.

Scared and frightened more than he has ever been, Aam tags along to Bihar.

“Laluji will help me. He is known to help a lot of people in his state. I hope for the best.”, Mr. Aadmi thinks.


LPY – “Aam, I lub India. I lub avar pippals. I lub this desh ki mitti. I am agnaist all pippals who threat to unity of avar India.”

Aam Aadmi – “Laluji, dreaded terrorists are behind my life.”

LPY – “WHAT!! Why did not you tell early? Oh, I hab to run. Ok, come sum adhar time and listen to me bhashan.”

Aam, however, is extremely desperate for help. He clings on to LPY’s lungi and tries to force himself out of the situation he is stuck in. LPY smacks him on the head with his broomstick, blurts "Ki karat hai bahua!" and Aam loses grip. LPY escapes. He was later spotted savouring continental lunch on an express train.

Meanwhile, Aam moves on towards the south. On the way, he meets Amar Singh (on the way to his weekly social gathering at the Big B Adda) who offers to listen to his troubles.

Aam explains his problems.


AS – “My party helps most minorities in this country, especially those that consistently vote for us. So until the next elections, I’m afraid I cannot help you as we will have to see how many seats we gained and how important we are in the current setup.”

On reaching the Most Frequented-by-Terror Land, Aam heads to the sparkling bungalow of Bollywood superstar Shah Rukh Khan. SRK, apparently rehearsing a clown act for his next movie, seems to be taken aback by his plight.


SRK – “Aam, Kabhi Kabhi Kuch Jeetne Ke Liya Kuch Haar Na Parta Hai, Aur Haar Ke Jeetne Wale Ko Baazigar Kehte Hain”.

Aam - “WHAT!? That makes no sense”

SRK – “Kya hua? I am trying my best, Aam. This is what I do. This is what I am good at.”

Aam – “But, I need help.”

SRK – “Ha ha ha. Aam, the maximum help I can give is to sign you an autograph. We represent Page 3 of the daily news. Don’t you love our words, dialogues and movies?”

A disgruntled Aam has all but given up any hope of survival.

But...

From a distance...

A Catwoman-like lady swoops down near Aam and shoos away the terrorists, with her God-awesome looks.

Aam – “Wow, there’s my beacon of hope. Thanks, dear lady, for saving him. Who are you?”


Masked Lady – I am Mallika Sherawat and I have just saved your life. Now pay me 75 lakhs.







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My Pigg's Boss Season 2 - The Rundown

Hi, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Shrillpa Slutty, your extraordinarily beautiful host of My Pigg's Boss season 2. And today, we bring you reactions from all participants so elatedly responsible for taking millions of viewers on a prearranged amusement ride with zero comic relief, gut-wrenching emotional manipulations and high-octane albeit self-triggered drama.

First, the winner....
Aa-shoe-toast
I yam deelighted to ween the corntest. I face taff competisan from many odours, but I come out strawng. Aafter weening Roadies, I waas alreddy the Roadside Romeo of all kyuut girls and I dezerve to ween Ms. Slutty's Pigg's Boss.

Now, the runner-up....
Ra-jaa
I need to go home urgently and beat up my wife please as she is the one who is entirely reponsible for my loss.

In third....
Kulfi
I tried impressing the viewers with my yummy kulfi-like looks and haseen zulf-ein. But they saw beyond it and I still can't understand how I lost.

The others....
Ms. Asambhaavna
[screaming]
I added the oomph to the show. I made the men go mad behind me. I brought the country to a halt. I loved swimming in the pool again and again. I loved being massaged. I was better than Rakhi Sawant was last year.

Ms. Ghaayal
[screaming directly at Asambhaavna]
You b*%^&. What do you mean? I was the X-factor of this show. If it's anyone, it's me who deserves to win simply on the criteria of the number of clothes covering my body. I can count them using half the fingers of one hand. Can you? Huh!

Raafool Mahafun
[trying to calm Ghaayal down with his now-patented hand massage]
Relax, baby. Chill. It's what I do best. Chill. Of course, drugs would help me chill better. Nevertheless, chill.

Moanica
You all will be sued. Just wait. Let my boyfriend come and save me, like Superman. Then we'll make sure that all of you will suffer.

Ms. Slutty interrupts - Superman?

Moanica responds - Yes. He is from The Underweared. He has a lot of powers. He will unleash his wrath on you all soon.

Ehsaan
No comments. I was hardly there.


Thank you for watching the show and making it a huge success, folks. And finally I sign off with a shake-a-leg dance with the chief guest aka my-ex flame-and-claim-to-fame, Kingg Kumar.

See you next year, prime time TV.


Commercial Break: Mahafun Massages offers FREE massages on a first-come-first-serve basis to all women and an exclusive 0.05% discount to all men.


And now for the news that matter.....







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Quotes Today: Episode 1

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the first edition of our new show Quotes Today. We bring you exclusive bytes from the world of entertainment, political entertainment and sensational entertainment only.

So here goes. First we caught up with the two faces of Dr. Anbumani Ramadoss’ anti-smoking campaign, Shah Rukh Khan and West Bengal chief minister Buddhadeb Bhattacharya. And they said:

Umm...[puff] well, yes [puff]...smoking is [puff] injurious to health.

We then left for Big Bazaar in Pune where Small B Abhishek Bachchan made a surprise visit to promote some rona-dhona...err, Drona...material. As expected, the place went into raptures. Shoppers flung their bags into the air, gasping with unabated breath, on the unanticipated arrival of Abhishek. After huffing and puffing our way through the crowd, we managed to get a few words from Abhishek. But unfortunately, Abhishek told us nothing new. He dumped the same garbage on us as he has been doing on all music and news channels.

Watch Drona. Watch Drona, damn it. Watch it, or I’ll make such unsolicited surprise trips to not only Big Bazaar, but also to Pig Bazaar, Cig Bazaar and Chor Bazaar.

Aishwarya Rai-Bachchan squeezed in with some words of her own for hubby tubby.

Abhishek played Drona real. He played it real. So watch it if he tells you. I don’t care if he uses pain-in-the-ass persuasion. But just watch it.

Finally, we managed to squiggle into the Big Boss 2 house. We were keen on asking Rahul Mahajan about his supposed entry into politics and this is what he had to say.

I will campaign for the BJP in the upcoming assembly elections after I’ve completed my current and more significant job as the official masseur of the Big Boss ladies. I might delay, however, if I get to massage Shilpa Shetty.

Hope you had a nice time. We will be back soon with another edition of Quotes Today. Till then, keep speaking.

Compiled by: Masquerading media monkeys

Image courtesy: The Hindu







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Bollywood - A misleading model for contemporary cinema

The rise of Bollywood as an ambassador for Indian culture and expression has brought along with it a gaping failure in appreciating cinema. Everything that Bollywood exposes us to today, is NOT the way we were meant to be exposed to it. Movies are meant to be a source of entertainment, but only in a limited context. The larger aim of mainstream cinema has always been more of a let-know than a let-sell. But today’s multiplex audiences fail to understand exactly that and films have become a sort of a reward that we gift ourselves in return for the “torture” of studying and giving exams in schools.

Let me explain how.

Picture a scene outside a multiplex. You are most likely to listen to fizzing sounds of “Film flop hai” or “Ticket mili kya?” The common man’s perception of cinema is a 3-hour package filled with laughs, comic pursuits, romantic flings and impractical love. He sees movies as a come-and-go show that is meant to be either a source of “time-pass” or a “chill-pill” and nothing else. All that matters is whether the product succeeds in impressing enough people to earn enough. All that matters is a new masala flick releasing week-in, week-out to keep foolhardy people satisfied. And Bollywood gives us exactly that. Even pro-social movies like Taare Zameen Par and Swades are viewed as products by the layman and he takes no positive impressions from it. The same man will line up for a ticket to a stupid, immature Bollywood flick next week, making the entire concept of understanding cinema purely a procedural one. Films have become like bureaucracy. And today, we are too contented to be in the “comfort zone” of watching mindless movies whenever we can.

Of more concern is the fact that Bollywood “stars” are treated like Gods wherever they go, irrespective of their private habits that are not meant to be taken up by growing kids. For example recently on NDTV’s Jai Jawaan, Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor made an appearance. Now the mainstream viewer’s interest isn’t in the men guarding the borders but rather in the lovey-dovey couple who entertain the jawaans with their so-called patriotic fervor. Kids are more motivated than ever to be like them, to dress like them, to look good, to follow each and every day of their God-gifted luxurious lives. Eternal dumbness and a make-up box life is what they are beginning to seek, with imprudent determination.

The commercial success of Fair-N-Handsome creams, admiration for Shah Rukh Khan’s six-packs as if it was in the league of PM Singh sealing the nuclear deal and a dogged pursuit of I-will-watch-every-damn-movie-I-can outlook to this life is encouraging ignorance in multitude. The worst part is that exploitation is what will succeed such an attitude of know-less-and-less.

I don’t discount the contribution of Bollywood to uniting India. A few films have gone on to become timeless classics and are etched on the minds of contemporary India and will continue to be forever. But compare these with the unending barrage of the current stream of movies and you have to feel sad. So-called freedom appeasers will argue, and have argued with me in the past, that “Let people watch what they want to. You don’t watch it if you don’t like it”. All I can say is please watch whatever you want to, but keep your brains at the right place when you do judge a movie.

It is an ill-feeling if nothing else. Wake up and appreciate yourself. You, whatever you do for the betterment of the country, are MORE important and special than the puppets of “Indian cinema”.





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