Kambakht Ishq - Not for kids, adults or aliens

Kambakht Ishq.

Just like all previous purposeful mistakes I've made in my life, I added one more to the list when I landed in a cinema hall (albeit on a social outing with family) to watch Kambakht Ishq. And this is what happened.

Dog.

B***h.

B*****d.

Not everyday do you get to know what it feels like to be punched by Evander Holyfield and Mike Tyson in a one-on-two match. Even worse, I'm way too weak and vulnerable already.

So how is Kambakht Ishq, you may ask. How does it feel like to see a dog have his bowels emptied, the excreta picked up and packaged into a double-cheese burger and given to you as your 'junk meal'?

Yes. That bad. And add the dog's 'soft-drink' to complete the package.

The ringa-ringa-roses begin in a church, where even God was pitiably forced to witness the testament of a failed wedding, Kareena Kapoor's in-your-face non-acting and stuntman Akshay Kumar's attempts to save the men of the world from evil women. I pity you, God. I do.

Before the 'I do' is completed and poor old Aftab Shivdasani (who apparently still exists to give goofy smiles and fill the 'chaprasi-disguised-as-supporting-actor' roles) is completely deprived of any sex life with beau Amrita Arora, you have a failed wedding with cakes being hurled in all directions for no purpose whatsoever when they should have seriously considered donating them to thousands of engineering students who could use it as cannon fodder.

As life goes on (and so does the dog-b***h claptrap), Kareena amazingly drops her ringtone-watch while doing her first surgery EVER into Akshay's stomach. The visuals pop up in an x-ray and Kareena decides that she must fake love to retrieve the watch while Akshay apparently ends up falling in love, sacrificing all the principles on which his life was based in the movie.

In between, you have Hollywood icons Sylvester Stallone and Denise Richards do cameos. Javed Jaffery and Kirron Kher waste their talents in poorly-scripted roles. Shivdasani and Arora are just plain fillers, while Akshay's wacky sidekick is a hyper-lame imitation of many other previously successful Bollywood sidekicks.

Add to this, Kapoor's questionable and self-righteous attitude towards people who watch movies clearly speaks volumes about the escalated power that Bollywood brokers in the country today. A day doesn't seem to be far off where the 'stars' hardly bother about pleasing fans, but impose themselves in a rather Orwellian way of doing things.

Make movies. Make better movies. Let the people decide.

And as far as this one goes - avoidable. Completely.

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7 successful habits of Bollywood & its groupies

What began as a comment on Mutiny on a debate regarding Ghajini's effective market penetration in respect to its quality and content, has tempted me to make public my observations on Bollywood and its die-hard, ardent, baying-for-Bollywood-dissenters'-blood fans.

1) The majority of Bollywood is a fool's paradise
No Bollywood fan will admit this simply because Bollywood movies are way too convenient for the common man. Effortless 3-hour packages that give the brain a rest, Ah! Who wouldn't want that? Bollywood is a self-created, self-endorsed world of illusions, where talent eventually matters little(although there are exceptions of course) because the rust in most of our brains tells us that "My son/daughter has to be the next film star, SO let me promote him/her". Nepotism hence rules and although Bollywood families do have sons and daughters passing out of western universities, the majority of those with "acting in their blood" eventually end up with the duty of attending to the "legacy" of their father/mother/both. Few have succeeded successfully, nevertheless ALL co-exist in peace and harmony.

2) Bollywood has infested our minds. C'mon, admit it.
Scampering to download the latest mp3? Adrenaline rushing to watch a must-watch? Fear of ticketlessness haunting you and causing nightmares? Congratulations. You are officially diagnosed with Bollywoodosysis. Common symptoms of this disease include an irresistible urge to talk/gossip/glorify Bollywood during the majority of your day, discussions over latest movie releases, a craving "Why Friday isn't here yet?" whimper, calling Bollywood stars as bringers of change to society and not thinking twice before splashing Rs.250 out in a multiplex stuffed with make-up boxes imitating what they then go on to see on the silver screen. Fashion above common sense? Good Lord, save the world.

3) Bollywood wants peace with Pakistan
Read this piece [Link], of five years ago but relevant today, and you will find a Suniel Shetty giving you How can you not like Pakistan? look. Bollywood finds Pakistan to be a huge market and hence would relish peace, even if they are extremely parochial to ignore the fact that the cause of the turmoil between the two countries is not the Indian state, but the same market where Shah Rukh Khan photos from his Medusa-like hair days sell like hot cakes.

Bollywood celebrities have used WE in conjunction with "want peace" as if cross-border terrorism is a direct by-product of the Indian state's agenda. Bollywood and it's naive celebrities are irritatingly insensitive and I would appreciate their use of "I" before "We" when they want to make personal statements.

4) Bollywood is so smart, that even a flop has enough "fans" behind it to defend its idiocy and term itself a stroke of genius
Bollywood movies sell so brilliantly that even a flop concept finds backers simply because it convinces its viewers of the genius gone unnoticed by the majority. Flops also re-collect whatever was invested and in fact earn more than the capital initially financed.

If you dare to complain as to why such a movie was ever made, the horde of fans jumps on you calling you cynical and obnoxious and insensitive and you become an object of hate. Your senses are automatically termed dumb and lacking choice as you "dared" to complain against a movie and its honorable stars. How dare you!

5) Movie dekhi kya?
Such is the deep impact and penetration of Bollywood, that you are dubbed disinterested and lifeless simply because you do not have a knack for "hanging out at a cinema hall". Bollywood has taken cinema's priorities to embarrassingly low levels and created a masala mountain of a sada molehill. It is so deep in our fans that I can already sense the outrage at this piece. If you do not find it one bit sensible, kindly meet me at a multiplex. We'll "catch" the latest movie in town.

Bollywood groupies also try to promote films themselves so wonderfully. "You are missing something, you know" is what I've heard a zillion times from some of the most ardent Bollywood fans I know. Yes, like I missed brushing my teeth or taking a bath. Both of which leave me not worse than stinking filth.

6) Inflated prices, not just of tickets but even food items
Ever bought a popcorn for Rs. 5 at a cinema hall, ever drank an MRP-priced Pepsi at a multiplex? I don't think so. If you did, then you are extremely lucky that your friendly neighbourhood Multiplexman does not know his salesmanship too well. Prices of tickets and food items have not just touched the sky, but have blown well past it as if they were launched on a GSLV.

And boyfriends making up to girlfriends for having looked at a sexier girl, parents cajoling their children with weekly entertainment circuses(when museums and planetariums are such a wise option) or husbands making up to their wives for a lack of motivated life between the couple at sensitive places within their house are only going to fall for these prices. And fall flat, with a thud.

7) Yes, there is some hope
My larger opinion on Bollywood is what I've stated above. But I never see any fault in movies like Taare Zameen Par and Chak De India simply because of the natural spirit and the essence of cinema that they carry. The kind of cinema for which I would maybe not jump on tree tops like a monkey or practice dance steps of aggressively-promoted songs of that movie but earnestly look forward to watching. Unfortunately, these are few and far between. My other personal motivation is the distraction offered to me naturally at my age. Priyanka Chopra, Mallika Sherawat - darlings.


Bollywood, you are certainly not God. But you are as much a source of worship. If nothing else, at least to keep us perennially amused and entertained.

Even at the cost of our minds.







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King kaun hai, Shahrukh?

Aaj Tak reporter: Toh aap ko kaun lagta hai King of Khans, Shahrukh?

Shah Rukh Khan: Arey, kahaan King. Hum kahaan ke King, yaar. King toh Billie-Jean King hai. King toh Larry King hai. Hum toh employees hai.


TCGH offers an exclusive copy of HOW TO FOOL PEOPLE AND BECOME A SUPERSTAR to the response that best explains the logic in the above reply.







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How to survive a terrorist attack

A lost Aam Aadmi huffs and puffs across an unknown territory somewhere in the Land of Unprotected Civilians, chased by MP5-wielding terrorists and sinister demons armed with AK-47s. As Aam Aadmi looks around for help, he senses a glimmer of hope somewhere ahead that is shining bright. He speeds towards it.

Aam Aadmi thinks – “Oh wow! It’s President Bush – the world’s strongest man. He will help me.”

Pres Bush – “Haay! Who the hell are ya? What do you think you are doing, coming to me for security? Are you American?”

Aam Aadmi – “No, sir. But you could help me as the people threatening me might also target Americans.”

Pres Bush – “What! Who told you that I will help you? I am only concerned about the prime interests of my citizens and my country and my concept of world peace depends on that. Only if my people are threatened, I will help you. For now, all I can do is point you towards your dear Prime Minister.”


Aam Aadmi grudgingly moves ahead.

Ah! It’s the Prime Minister of India. He will save me for sure, Mr. Aadmi thinks.

PM – “See, Aam. I will give you not one, but two ways of helping yourself. But I cannot directly help you from my current position.”


Aam Aadmi – “But sir, you are the Prime Minister. You certainly can.”

PM – “Yes, but I myself am not secure. My dear rival for the PM’s post in the upcoming elections, Ms. Mayawati, has bullied me into giving her the maximum security and I stand helpless. Ms. Gandhi has been kind enough to provide me shelter in the office. So you either go to Mayawati or go to Bihar where a kind old man will help you. Or at least provide you with a train ticket to your home.”

Aam Aadmi, disappointingly, heads for the badlands of Uttar Pradesh.

The Queen of UP will help me from these dreaded terrorists, who are after my life for the past three decades, he thinks and calms himself down.

And before he could even utter a word...


UP CM – “GET OUT, Aam. I don’t help anyone. I only help myself. Don’t you know that? GET OUTTA HERE!!”.

Scared and frightened more than he has ever been, Aam tags along to Bihar.

“Laluji will help me. He is known to help a lot of people in his state. I hope for the best.”, Mr. Aadmi thinks.


LPY – “Aam, I lub India. I lub avar pippals. I lub this desh ki mitti. I am agnaist all pippals who threat to unity of avar India.”

Aam Aadmi – “Laluji, dreaded terrorists are behind my life.”

LPY – “WHAT!! Why did not you tell early? Oh, I hab to run. Ok, come sum adhar time and listen to me bhashan.”

Aam, however, is extremely desperate for help. He clings on to LPY’s lungi and tries to force himself out of the situation he is stuck in. LPY smacks him on the head with his broomstick, blurts "Ki karat hai bahua!" and Aam loses grip. LPY escapes. He was later spotted savouring continental lunch on an express train.

Meanwhile, Aam moves on towards the south. On the way, he meets Amar Singh (on the way to his weekly social gathering at the Big B Adda) who offers to listen to his troubles.

Aam explains his problems.


AS – “My party helps most minorities in this country, especially those that consistently vote for us. So until the next elections, I’m afraid I cannot help you as we will have to see how many seats we gained and how important we are in the current setup.”

On reaching the Most Frequented-by-Terror Land, Aam heads to the sparkling bungalow of Bollywood superstar Shah Rukh Khan. SRK, apparently rehearsing a clown act for his next movie, seems to be taken aback by his plight.


SRK – “Aam, Kabhi Kabhi Kuch Jeetne Ke Liya Kuch Haar Na Parta Hai, Aur Haar Ke Jeetne Wale Ko Baazigar Kehte Hain”.

Aam - “WHAT!? That makes no sense”

SRK – “Kya hua? I am trying my best, Aam. This is what I do. This is what I am good at.”

Aam – “But, I need help.”

SRK – “Ha ha ha. Aam, the maximum help I can give is to sign you an autograph. We represent Page 3 of the daily news. Don’t you love our words, dialogues and movies?”

A disgruntled Aam has all but given up any hope of survival.

But...

From a distance...

A Catwoman-like lady swoops down near Aam and shoos away the terrorists, with her God-awesome looks.

Aam – “Wow, there’s my beacon of hope. Thanks, dear lady, for saving him. Who are you?”


Masked Lady – I am Mallika Sherawat and I have just saved your life. Now pay me 75 lakhs.







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Quotes Today: Episode 1

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the first edition of our new show Quotes Today. We bring you exclusive bytes from the world of entertainment, political entertainment and sensational entertainment only.

So here goes. First we caught up with the two faces of Dr. Anbumani Ramadoss’ anti-smoking campaign, Shah Rukh Khan and West Bengal chief minister Buddhadeb Bhattacharya. And they said:

Umm...[puff] well, yes [puff]...smoking is [puff] injurious to health.

We then left for Big Bazaar in Pune where Small B Abhishek Bachchan made a surprise visit to promote some rona-dhona...err, Drona...material. As expected, the place went into raptures. Shoppers flung their bags into the air, gasping with unabated breath, on the unanticipated arrival of Abhishek. After huffing and puffing our way through the crowd, we managed to get a few words from Abhishek. But unfortunately, Abhishek told us nothing new. He dumped the same garbage on us as he has been doing on all music and news channels.

Watch Drona. Watch Drona, damn it. Watch it, or I’ll make such unsolicited surprise trips to not only Big Bazaar, but also to Pig Bazaar, Cig Bazaar and Chor Bazaar.

Aishwarya Rai-Bachchan squeezed in with some words of her own for hubby tubby.

Abhishek played Drona real. He played it real. So watch it if he tells you. I don’t care if he uses pain-in-the-ass persuasion. But just watch it.

Finally, we managed to squiggle into the Big Boss 2 house. We were keen on asking Rahul Mahajan about his supposed entry into politics and this is what he had to say.

I will campaign for the BJP in the upcoming assembly elections after I’ve completed my current and more significant job as the official masseur of the Big Boss ladies. I might delay, however, if I get to massage Shilpa Shetty.

Hope you had a nice time. We will be back soon with another edition of Quotes Today. Till then, keep speaking.

Compiled by: Masquerading media monkeys

Image courtesy: The Hindu







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Bollywood - A misleading model for contemporary cinema

The rise of Bollywood as an ambassador for Indian culture and expression has brought along with it a gaping failure in appreciating cinema. Everything that Bollywood exposes us to today, is NOT the way we were meant to be exposed to it. Movies are meant to be a source of entertainment, but only in a limited context. The larger aim of mainstream cinema has always been more of a let-know than a let-sell. But today’s multiplex audiences fail to understand exactly that and films have become a sort of a reward that we gift ourselves in return for the “torture” of studying and giving exams in schools.

Let me explain how.

Picture a scene outside a multiplex. You are most likely to listen to fizzing sounds of “Film flop hai” or “Ticket mili kya?” The common man’s perception of cinema is a 3-hour package filled with laughs, comic pursuits, romantic flings and impractical love. He sees movies as a come-and-go show that is meant to be either a source of “time-pass” or a “chill-pill” and nothing else. All that matters is whether the product succeeds in impressing enough people to earn enough. All that matters is a new masala flick releasing week-in, week-out to keep foolhardy people satisfied. And Bollywood gives us exactly that. Even pro-social movies like Taare Zameen Par and Swades are viewed as products by the layman and he takes no positive impressions from it. The same man will line up for a ticket to a stupid, immature Bollywood flick next week, making the entire concept of understanding cinema purely a procedural one. Films have become like bureaucracy. And today, we are too contented to be in the “comfort zone” of watching mindless movies whenever we can.

Of more concern is the fact that Bollywood “stars” are treated like Gods wherever they go, irrespective of their private habits that are not meant to be taken up by growing kids. For example recently on NDTV’s Jai Jawaan, Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor made an appearance. Now the mainstream viewer’s interest isn’t in the men guarding the borders but rather in the lovey-dovey couple who entertain the jawaans with their so-called patriotic fervor. Kids are more motivated than ever to be like them, to dress like them, to look good, to follow each and every day of their God-gifted luxurious lives. Eternal dumbness and a make-up box life is what they are beginning to seek, with imprudent determination.

The commercial success of Fair-N-Handsome creams, admiration for Shah Rukh Khan’s six-packs as if it was in the league of PM Singh sealing the nuclear deal and a dogged pursuit of I-will-watch-every-damn-movie-I-can outlook to this life is encouraging ignorance in multitude. The worst part is that exploitation is what will succeed such an attitude of know-less-and-less.

I don’t discount the contribution of Bollywood to uniting India. A few films have gone on to become timeless classics and are etched on the minds of contemporary India and will continue to be forever. But compare these with the unending barrage of the current stream of movies and you have to feel sad. So-called freedom appeasers will argue, and have argued with me in the past, that “Let people watch what they want to. You don’t watch it if you don’t like it”. All I can say is please watch whatever you want to, but keep your brains at the right place when you do judge a movie.

It is an ill-feeling if nothing else. Wake up and appreciate yourself. You, whatever you do for the betterment of the country, are MORE important and special than the puppets of “Indian cinema”.





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U, Me Aur Hum - A birdbrain's delight

I always make an effort to watch the right movies when I do watch movies. And here’s one more case where I made a mistake I whole-heartedly regret. I saw U, Me Aur Hum with a group of friends. And I have to say – it was an exhilarating experience.

Ajay Devgan is actually a very talented actor who has produced spell-binding performances in the past, in all kinds of movies. But he definitely lost track of this one as his directorial debut featured everything that you don’t want to see from an actor of his excellence – despicable SMS jokes included in the movie out of clear-cut lack of creativity in the script, unwarranted one-liners aimed at motivating us into sexual overdrive, unfitting romantic sequences and an Alzheimer’s with bonus days.

Some of the scenes in this movie are so hopelessly envisaged and executed that you wonder what kind of lost logic Devgan was operating on while drawing up the framework. The movie is basically about Devgan and Kajol’s on-cruise love story followed up with how he handles her Alzheimer’s illness. Sorry for such a short synopsis. Because this is all there is worth understanding or even contemplating understanding.

The applause for this movie goes out to three principal characters – a lizard, a moth and a long-haired lamebrain who tries to name Ajay and Kajol’s new-born child with a certain F word but should inherently be called by that word himself. The lizard and the moth left Kajol dumbstruck in her apartment which consequently led to the drowning of her child who was then miraculously saved by Ajay, with some help from their pet Labrador.

In short, when romance, idiocy and Alzheimer’s (with the bonus day) combine, then this is the end product. Apunkachoice.com sums it all up with these gems from their review.

I have not yet seen Ajay Devgan act better in any other film.

I guess this was Devgan’s debut movie then. As an actor even.

Above all, it is a touching, moving tale that will change something inside you and make you a better companion

Undoubtedly, I made the mistake of “touching” it and now I’m “moving” away from any kind of positive appraisal that I can offer. And what it has changed inside me is that I pity the kind of exploitation that we undergo every Friday (with a few exceptions once in a while).

May God bless our brains.

Plastic Theory

When a man can give as stellar a performance as the one that Shahrukh Khan gave in Chak De India and produce that despicable, deplorable and appalling show at the Filmfare Awards 2008, then something just isn’t right. He is an example of how to create a positive image that is totally accredited to others (directors, script writers, dialogue writers and all the other noble men who have made Shahrukh “King Khan”) and in the meantime be your dim-witted, futile self when you want to be so.

Yes, this is Shahrukh Khan. The way we don’t know him actually. Given his God-gifted talent, you’d expect him to produce the kind of work he has done in Chak De & Swades and the other rare good films of his. But the guy is clearly blank from within and is more a plastic icon than a role model.

Since there is God in India and after God there’s him, most of us will have enjoyed it like all the other dustbin fillers of the film industry did on the fateful night. But there is really no logic behind that abysmal showing. Apparently, if dancing in a towel with fellow gay impressionist Saif Ali Khan (whom Kareena Kapoor should be fearing sleeping with now) would have impressed Sanjay Leela Bhansali enough to cast him in his next film, then it’s a job well done sir.

But if the Kabir Khan of Chak De and Mohan Bhargav of Swades can produce this kind of flush-it-before-it-stinks factory garbage, then his credentials as one of the country’s faces should be dissected.

Now, before we get more dustbin content than we already have. Mr. SRK, this one stinks so bad that I don’t have cats and dogs sniffing around it seeking some stomach fillers.

Mannequins at work

There would be numerous instances of how prime time TV comprising the baas, the saases, the bahus and four to five of their following generations (and counting), the privilege of which is beyond the understanding of any human being, affects the bona fide baas, saases and bahus of our world.

Firstly, I’ve seen people hold up their hands in incredulous agony when a protagonist in the soap is killed off, albeit temporarily of course. Screeches of “Nahiiiiiii” from the various make-up dolls surrounding the dead corpse on screen and the terror unleashed on people on this side of the TV set make the hackneyed dialogue “Main lut gayi, barbaad ho gayi” sound refreshingly new. This junk is then followed up with ear drum-traumatizing musiiiiiiiiiic (The relay is as distorted and disturbing as the word “music” written in this format and can give rock star-cum-nasal connoisseur Himesh Reshammiya a run for his money.) and split-second snapshots of bewildered support cast in a sequence generated by no particular algorithm.

Later on, our fellow humans scamper for the post-commercial break previews shown at the onset of the break. These will again have sense-flouting tit bits of the horror to follow soon. These commercial breaks see the instigation of two significant events – the mute button being pressed on the remote control and anxious housewives dashing out of their drawing rooms to check on whether the food being cooked for work-exhausted husbands hasn’t scalded, yet still more bothered about the upcoming progression of events on their TV screens.

Finally, as the display of life-defying torment comes to an end, you have a set of events which will generate a massive amount of curiosity and trigger phone calls, nation-altering debates and an assurance to the soap producers that we are firmly seated on the bandwagon and looking forward more than ever to next day’s histrionics.

Life is normal again. Well, at least till tomorrow.

Mind-bogglers that you just can't answer.....

Here's a quiz you'd rather not take.

1) Why does Bollywood nobody Sajid Khan appear on Headlines Today's cricket special regarding the moolah set to be raked in by the Indian Premier League's pool of players?

2) Why did Ashutosh Gowarikar select pretty boy Hrithik Roshan for King Akbar's role in the film Akbar-Jodha?

3) Why are producers making films for Himesh Reshammiya? And more importantly, why are the names of his movies(Aap Ka Surroor, Karzz, A Love Iiisshtory) forcing us to stress our nasal capabilities, which he so expertises in?

4) Why has Shahrukh Khan's interest in sports upscaled suddenly? (Hint: The IPL will be watched by millions of people around the country. SRK has a movie coming up soon. Pick up the pieces.)

5) Why has so-godly regular-cleavage-popping damsel Mallika Sherawat been cast as a friend of Jesus Christ in an upcoming Hollywood movie?

6) Why have such things forced me to become so retarded?