How to survive a terrorist attack

A lost Aam Aadmi huffs and puffs across an unknown territory somewhere in the Land of Unprotected Civilians, chased by MP5-wielding terrorists and sinister demons armed with AK-47s. As Aam Aadmi looks around for help, he senses a glimmer of hope somewhere ahead that is shining bright. He speeds towards it.

Aam Aadmi thinks – “Oh wow! It’s President Bush – the world’s strongest man. He will help me.”

Pres Bush – “Haay! Who the hell are ya? What do you think you are doing, coming to me for security? Are you American?”

Aam Aadmi – “No, sir. But you could help me as the people threatening me might also target Americans.”

Pres Bush – “What! Who told you that I will help you? I am only concerned about the prime interests of my citizens and my country and my concept of world peace depends on that. Only if my people are threatened, I will help you. For now, all I can do is point you towards your dear Prime Minister.”


Aam Aadmi grudgingly moves ahead.

Ah! It’s the Prime Minister of India. He will save me for sure, Mr. Aadmi thinks.

PM – “See, Aam. I will give you not one, but two ways of helping yourself. But I cannot directly help you from my current position.”


Aam Aadmi – “But sir, you are the Prime Minister. You certainly can.”

PM – “Yes, but I myself am not secure. My dear rival for the PM’s post in the upcoming elections, Ms. Mayawati, has bullied me into giving her the maximum security and I stand helpless. Ms. Gandhi has been kind enough to provide me shelter in the office. So you either go to Mayawati or go to Bihar where a kind old man will help you. Or at least provide you with a train ticket to your home.”

Aam Aadmi, disappointingly, heads for the badlands of Uttar Pradesh.

The Queen of UP will help me from these dreaded terrorists, who are after my life for the past three decades, he thinks and calms himself down.

And before he could even utter a word...


UP CM – “GET OUT, Aam. I don’t help anyone. I only help myself. Don’t you know that? GET OUTTA HERE!!”.

Scared and frightened more than he has ever been, Aam tags along to Bihar.

“Laluji will help me. He is known to help a lot of people in his state. I hope for the best.”, Mr. Aadmi thinks.


LPY – “Aam, I lub India. I lub avar pippals. I lub this desh ki mitti. I am agnaist all pippals who threat to unity of avar India.”

Aam Aadmi – “Laluji, dreaded terrorists are behind my life.”

LPY – “WHAT!! Why did not you tell early? Oh, I hab to run. Ok, come sum adhar time and listen to me bhashan.”

Aam, however, is extremely desperate for help. He clings on to LPY’s lungi and tries to force himself out of the situation he is stuck in. LPY smacks him on the head with his broomstick, blurts "Ki karat hai bahua!" and Aam loses grip. LPY escapes. He was later spotted savouring continental lunch on an express train.

Meanwhile, Aam moves on towards the south. On the way, he meets Amar Singh (on the way to his weekly social gathering at the Big B Adda) who offers to listen to his troubles.

Aam explains his problems.


AS – “My party helps most minorities in this country, especially those that consistently vote for us. So until the next elections, I’m afraid I cannot help you as we will have to see how many seats we gained and how important we are in the current setup.”

On reaching the Most Frequented-by-Terror Land, Aam heads to the sparkling bungalow of Bollywood superstar Shah Rukh Khan. SRK, apparently rehearsing a clown act for his next movie, seems to be taken aback by his plight.


SRK – “Aam, Kabhi Kabhi Kuch Jeetne Ke Liya Kuch Haar Na Parta Hai, Aur Haar Ke Jeetne Wale Ko Baazigar Kehte Hain”.

Aam - “WHAT!? That makes no sense”

SRK – “Kya hua? I am trying my best, Aam. This is what I do. This is what I am good at.”

Aam – “But, I need help.”

SRK – “Ha ha ha. Aam, the maximum help I can give is to sign you an autograph. We represent Page 3 of the daily news. Don’t you love our words, dialogues and movies?”

A disgruntled Aam has all but given up any hope of survival.

But...

From a distance...

A Catwoman-like lady swoops down near Aam and shoos away the terrorists, with her God-awesome looks.

Aam – “Wow, there’s my beacon of hope. Thanks, dear lady, for saving him. Who are you?”


Masked Lady – I am Mallika Sherawat and I have just saved your life. Now pay me 75 lakhs.







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